The end.... and the beginning.....

I read this on someone else's blog and it felt familiar...

So what is it that determines when the "old" ends and the "new" begins? Especially when "it" is not a date on a calendar; when it is a small, quiet, internal event that changes the way we see things...including ourselves? What is "it" that prompts the finishing of one chapter...and the beginning of a new one?

I'm not sure that I can define what the "it" is...but I do know that I've felt as if I've been on the brink of "it" over the past year; almost like everything I've been through was necessary in order for me to arrive at this moment. There is an undeniable and subtle excitement which reminds me of the first day of school (with new supplies in hand of course!) mixed with a touch of anxiety over the unknown and a twinge of sadness for having to let go of old thoughts and paradigms...and even, people. Letting go is the hardest part for me...especially of things that are familiar and comfortable even though I've outgrown them (like a favorite pair of jeans...or friends), but I've found that it is necessary so that I can free myself up and be open for what is to come.

Possibilities...new beginnings.

Where this person does not know what the "it" is I have sooo many "its" I don't know which to choose from.
Yes, it's been almost a year of changes. Deciding to try the truck thing... actually going thru with it... passing the school...getting a truck and going out on the road.... Jesse leaving home and getting married.... Hannah dying.... Corey starting school again... meeting Christopher and being in a relationship.... so many things.

But the truth for me is it's been more like a long change, 5 - 6 years of it. Chuck's accident, him not working for 3 years, home school (of 14 years) ending.
So in essence the life I knew and really did not plan beyond ended and a new one began. I've struggled with accepting it. I've disliked it immensely, hated is better. I thought I would be more involved with art and maybe able to make $$ off it. Of course, I think this is something I've given up too easily on.

Now starting over, yet again, - trying to find another job, Chuck getting his old job back, Thursday he left for his last trip in the truck - solo - I'm done. I can't believe it!!!
I feel like I've been gone forever. It's going to take some getting used to being back home. I realized yesterday when I was in the truck, the focus was drive, eat and sleep. I didn't have to think beyond it. I come home and there's so much that's gotten behind here because of being gone 7 months and just dumping when I did come home, yikes!! I feel so overwhelmed, where to start, what to do, and look for a job while I do it all...

I do have to admit though, for the first time in a very long time, I am maybe a little excited about possibilities.... if I can just get organized...

everything I've been through was necessary in order for me to arrive at this moment